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Dear Desperate,
The truth of the matter is that your son must hit bottom before he can be helped. A person cannot be forced into recovery--they must want to recover. By being an enabler your wife has very good intentions, but is preventing him from hitting bottom. No-one is all powerful whereby they can set up the circumstances where they can change an addict's behaviour; but you and wife can learn strategies to take care of yourselves. I would suggest counseling for both you and your wife in order to learn different ways of dealing with this situation and how to establish boundaries as a way of taking care of yourselves. Verbal and physical should not be tolerated. Help is out there. You are doing the right thing by asking around what to do. You will probably hear several conflicting opinions about what to do. Go with what rings true for you. Good luck.

I don't think there is a family support group for families suffering the effects a drug addict in the family b/c there are members of Al-anon (for families and friends of alcoholics) who suffer from similar situations as yours. You may want to attend a meeting and get support. It is a program that helps you take care of yourself.(and your family relationship). Here is the information. It can also be found under the clubs link on this xpats page under addictions.

Weekly anonymous English-speaking meetings every Tuesday 8:00 to 9:30pm (Al-Anon), and Sunday from 8:00-9:00pm (Al-Anon). Phone: 0476-421.163 Meeting Address: Tuesday Al-Anon Meeting 8 Rue Amédée Lynen 1210 Brussels (Metro Madou) Sunday Al-Anon Meeting 29 Ave Jean Volders B-1060 Brussels (Metro Porte de Hal, exit 1)

Good luck... remember to take care of yourself.

The first thing that you have got to do as a couple is agree one policy and stick to it.
I think you are 'right' in your attitudes and your wife is 'wrong' in hers but, so long as you differ, your son, who will be aware of these differences, will take advantage of them.
I also agree with the first respondent that her attitude is likely to be self-defeating: as long as he knows that he has a home to return to where he will be welcomed come what may there is no imperative for him to change. This is not, ultimately, in his best interests and you should try to get your wife to understand that.
You must be supportive of each other and not do anything that will poison you relationship as a couple. Eventually, one way or the other happy or sad, your son will no longer be sharing your home. You must be sure that, when that happens, that you still are there for each other.
You have my deepest sympathy and I wish you good luck.

Calling the helpline is a good start. Keep researching on intervention websites. You'll also find that intervention cannot and shouldn't be done without professional help.

I'm a firm believer in therapy in conjunction with withdrawal. Your son needs to find out why he uses hard drugs. In the UK there is often a backwards carrot-stick situation where upon the user is promised therapy after they've kicked the addiction, but imv that's almost impossible. The Swiss on the other hand offered support/therapy and managed to almost eradicate their Zurich heroin problem.

Talking I feel IS the answer... but if he wanted to talk to you or your wife he could've done that years ago - time for the professionals!

I think your view is the correct one

It is difficult to comment without knowing all facts - but rom what you say this can not go on. He is violent - what if nothing is done and your wife "falls down the stairs"?

The demands will get more and you may even get a police drugs raid on your house.

You as a couple can not allow your lives to be destroyed.

Take advice as already stated by others - If you have the funds - then force him to move out and fund a place in a detox centre - It may even be worth considering police intervention (hard drugs are illegal) And then perhaps a secure unit can be used.

I wish all of you the best in this awful situation -- continuing as things are is not an option.

Dont bother going to CHS. This is just a waste of time, beleive me I had the same problem with my son, tried everything, called everywhere,
nobody can help if your son doesnt want to help himself !! He is now an adult and if this is what he wants to do with his life, then so be it ! I know its not easy to digest, but thats the way it is. I went through hell and high water with this problem, no sleep, panic attacks,
you name it. One day I realized I had enough, and in the middle of the night on one of his high moments when he nearly destroyed the whole house, his sister and himself included, I called the police, ambulance, the whole lot, they refused to take him to hospital saying that he would be better the following day, but the police took him screaming into the police car as they thought that he might harm me plus they were witness to all breakages in the house.
They brought him back two days later a bit battered but I said I had more than enough and in his sorry state I managed to get him to the Clinic Fond Roy in Uccle where he signed a paper for a detox.
Two years on with many visits to a phycharist he has a girlfriend, a job and seems to be ok.
I really feel for you and your wife, but this is no life for you both, and you have to get your son when he is " down " to sign for a detox. You cannot do this for him.

Courage

We successfully carried out an intervention (assisted by a professional) on the addict in question. The addict in my story subsequently went into rehab for 4 weeks. The person has been clean ever since; this was 20 years ago. As an intervention requires meticulous planning and execution (we had to fly in a professional from overseas) to be successful it is imperative that you and your wife stand united. Best of luck.

Your wife's reaction may not necessarily be logical but one of fear to accept the truth. She is his mother and probably finds it difficult to accept that it has come to this. At least she is lucky to have such a supportive husband. You have to think of both of you as well as your son. She is probably scared that if he did commit suicide she could not live with the guilt. In a situation like this only professionals can help. Your son is a danger to himself and risks endangering others. Your cannot force him to help himself.

IMO, the drugs are a small fraction of the problem.

The apparently undiagnosed bipolar disorder is much more severe of a problem, in part because it's a problem that's not yet well understood - and the symptom is suicide. Psychologists are currently left with experimenting with meds to treat bipolar disorder. He needs a good bipolar treatment program - and it won't be cheap. The drugs to treat bipolar are expensive. A good bipolar treatment will result in a cocktail of drugs tailored for your son.

IMO, your kids life is more threatened by the depression / bipolar than the drugs. The hard drugs just amplify the threatening issue of suicide.

Consider moving. As long as he's around the friends he does drugs with, it will make quiting very difficult. He needs to move away from the local drug network that he's a part of.

I'm no expert.. but I've been close to drug addicts, and bipolar suicide cases.

I should add that the UK spends generous amounts of money on mental health - more than any other European nation. They may be better equipped for this issue, so if you consider moving, then the UK may be a good place.

Dear Desperate,

I know what you're going through and you have my deepest sympathy.
I have a son mid twenties who is also a drug addict. He started on drugs around his 18th Birthday and is still taking them. After all these years of drug abuse he is now a shadow of his former self. He too is excitable and has his rages and anger bursts and only after he takes his 'fix' does he calm down. I took him for several months to a psychiatrist whom he liked and who seemed to have a beneficial influence on him. He was 'clean' for three months and then he met a girl who didn't like his mother (me) 'interfering' in my son's life. He was at a vulnerable stage in his treatment and he was confused. On the one hand was his family trying to make him work hard to get better (and keeping him 'clean' meant a real hard work!) and on the other a girl who was as confused and as troubled emotionally as he was but who was happy to let him destroy his health so long as he bought her presents, paid for her holidays and upkeep and generally who danced to her tunes. He is highly intelligent but it pains me to say that his emotional intelligence is very low. But whether he would have kept at his treatment or not had he not met this girl is hard to tell. She may have been only an excuse to give up and follow the path of least resistance. Still, since he met her, he has refused any treatments and any offers of help of that nature though he isn't loath to ask for other types of help .

Although he no longer lives with us at home, his life, his ups and downs effect us as a family just as powerfully as when he lived with us. That is the sad truth. Geographical distance can not erase the family ties.

To desperate, I hope things work out for you and your family. And if you find a support group for the families of drug abusers please post the info here. Many of us would be grateful.

On reading these posts I find that it is all very sad. In fact, these drugs are stronger than a mothers love, have taken over lives and are even stronger than God. Of course you can find lots of supportive groups, you only have to google it, but I repeat, your son has to realize for himself his own destruction and that he really needs help. This is the most difficult part. The fact that he has already tried suicide is a cry for help. Get him into rehab as soooon as you can ..

Detox and Rehab are only a temporary solution if there is no after care and follow up .. it is easy for the person to relapse if he is not supported afterwards.

There is a need for aftercare.. if they are not kept busy with a daily routine and called in for unexpected spot checks/testing by local Police or a doctor the person will relapse after a couple of months and return to parents.

Even when a judge has intervened and treatment ends the person is free to return to parents and start over again. It is not just the addictions..it is the reason behind it..we must try to understand them in the early stages.

Long term addictions handicap people ..they are left with mental disabilities..and those who 'would not' live normally at the start become those who 'cannot' live a normal life.

I, like the many others support you and your decision to do something. My best friend, his wife and 20 yr old son had the same problem. They talked about rehab, etc, but in the end did nothing. As a result the son is serving time for armed robbery. He was such a good kid before he hit that slippery slope. Good luck.

Moving to live in a quiet place in the country helps some..keeping good family ties and keeping active as a family is important even if it is hard to do under the circumstances. Try to see him as ill rather than bad. There is no miracle recipe but the sooner you decide on your strategy the better for all concerned. Parents must be united and show firm but disciplined love for their son. Plan things to look forward to..outings, holidays etc. Do not drink alcohol / get drunk yourself as that is the parents' equivalent of drugs. Best is not allowing drug to come into the home in the first place..but if it takes over you need to be firm /tough but still be there for him emotionally.

Bring it out into the open..find a social assistant who can help get him into treatment quickly..talk to your local police and explain your problem..they can help provide discipline and a firm attitude once they know what is going on in your home.Your family doctor can advise on where to go..clinics, detox etc.

Safety for all of you comes first. Violence ALWAYS escalates. You need professionals and I suggest the next time he is violent you call the police. Give him good hard reality checks. Be tough. He is not showing you and your wife respect in YOUR home. He needs to remember this. From my experience a teenager is often glad to be given an escape route. Do you have friends/family overseas? Perhaps you have to work but can your wife and son go on an extended trip to visit a househould with alpha men present and and help nearby?
It goes like this:
- Reality check and disapproval from strangers (police)
- hungover, embaressed and sober(ish), tired enough to listen
- that same day he comes home your wife and son are driven to airport
- someone collects them at the other side. They must be collected so that there are no opportunities for your son to roam or, most likely, panic. It is also an idea to arrange for a sedative for him for the journey (have it ready beforehand - there must be no delays or hanging around).
- therapy, detox, hard exercise. Laughter, reminder he is young, opportunity to save face.
- hopefully success

It is extremely important not to give any hint of your plans, not even if you are angry or you think he's having a 'mellow' moment and might listen. And this must happen after a low, frightening experience. Use the police.

good luck and strength. Perhaps you could tell us how it goes.

I should add to my previous post that by 'tired enough to listen' I meant tired enough to be 'docile' - taken to the airport. He mustn't be told of the plans for therapy etc until he arrives safely wherever they travel to and there are people present. Your wife must be kept safe. Piece by piece he should be presented with the solution so that he has time to absorb it and it doesn't seem impossible or daunting for him. A counsellor can help you with how to present it.

Calling police to the home under Belgian law..

Unless someone is seriously hurt and no charges are made the police can only calm things down and advise you to go to a judge. Police cannnot remove him from his domicile. The judge has the power to send your son to treatment / rehab. If your son is not domiciled with you the police will remove him to the street at your request and tell him to go to a centre for homeless people if he has nowhere to go. We are dealing with an adult and parents cannot decide much unless he is certified mentally handicapped.

Nephew of Hard Drug Addict..you suggest treatment in UK which is more developed and better equipped there...

I agree but .. How would that work out financially for someone who is resident in Belgium and covered by medical insurance here ?

lan- I was not considering the costs at all. In reality moving to the UK may be financially impractical, I have no idea.

I think the rule is that Europeans can only go to another country for treatment if the home country is not quick about treating, in which case the home country must pay the bill in the other country. Otherwise there's probably no cover. The OP should find out if Belgium is equipped to treat bipolar.. if not, I wonder if that would be an automatic ticket to get foreign treatment.

If Belgium is not equipped to treat bi-polar would they look for it when treating the addict ? Is it something that needs to be implemented here as normal procedure ? Do we see this problem as an illness or as something to be punished for ?

Addicts are victims of their own actions. Euthanasia is now being accepted in some cases yet we stand by and allow young people to kill themselves with drugs and alcohol because we see them as bad.

Diane: Sorry I don't understand your analogy between euthanasia in the terminally ill and the killing of young people w drugs and alcohol.

It took a long time before Euthanasia was accepted in terminally ill patients..even going to court to be allowed to end people's suffering.

We do not show the same interest and resistance concerning young people who jeopardize their lives by addictions..we do not provide the necessary infrastructure to help and follow them through..we tend to see it as wrong, bad, punishable .. sending them to prison where their problem often worsens.

On the one hand we try to keep severely ill people alive and on the other we stand back and allow healthy young people to kill themselves.

Just an observation.

I suggest you check out the following websites of 12-step groups for further information :
Narcotics Anonymous : http://www.na.org/
Nar-Anon Family Groups (for families of drug addicts) :
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Sites.html