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How do you create trust in love, Belgian guys?

Question

I have been living in Belgium for some years; being in two relationships. Yet none of them turned out serious. I dont know why the values of us didnt match. May you, Western men, tell me how you love? Below is my story.

I am an Asian woman.
When the relationships came to the moment that we can discuss about future for both, we presented our belief in the values of family life; having children or not; how to share finance responsibilities; and how to manage the living-together life.

Accordingly, I said:
=>I am monogamous.
=> When I am in love, I treat the partner under the friendship-based relationshop: loyal and respectful.
=> I care for the little family and the extended family as it should be.

I asked them about their believes in a shared life. We compared whether we think similar. They had as much time as they need to think whether to commit with me or not.
At the end of the day, they said they like the values I presented. I am the woman they have been looking for.

Short later (two months or 1 year maximum), they said reasons to break up:
=> He wanted to come back to previous lover;
=> He found that I do not plan to live with him;
=> He found somebody that are more suitable;
=> He blamed me for the change in his mind;
Ironingly enough, he usually prepared for his next move before revealing the breakup plan.

I showed them the evidences or situations showing that I have not done anything wrong as they blamed. I have been doing everything for the good shared life.

The toxic breakup left me in great supprise! There was nothing as we have agreed with each other! I felt I had been cheated! I asked them what do the itinal discussion mean to his decision being in relationshop with me. No answer! They left me with silience.

I feel lost! Pershaps I do not understand western men enough and their cultrue in love.

Can you please tell where I am wrong? Can you tell how I can trust or build trust in love with western men?

Answer
B Aug 13, 2017 13:53

I am sorry to hear...

I think on a general level the reason might be that Asian women are so keen on getting married where as a Western man is not in a rush for this

Answer
J Aug 13, 2017 16:00

Don't look for love. Let it find you.

Build friendships, not boyfriendships.

You seem to be looking for a man who will screw you and you're surprised that you attract the type of man who does (sorry to be blunt).

Live your own life, get a hobby or something, meet people. Who cares what "love" is - you need a friend and partner, not a husband.

Answer
Flanders09 Aug 13, 2017 17:59

I think that you've posted here before about the same problem.

Try paying attention not only to what they say, but what they do. I just think you are having a difficult time selecting a partner who is best for you, so this doesn't have anything to do with West vs. East; it's got to do with you. Case in point I married a Belgian man and I came from another country/culture. I chose him based on his character and lifestyle. We've been married for 8 years. Believe me, I wasn't paying 100% attention per se to what he was telling me; I was paying more attention to how he acted around others and how he treated me. Plus, we took our time building the relationship. Anyone can tell you anything. Make sure what they are telling you is matching their behavior. Don't get so caught up in "words." There is an English saying "Actions speak louder than words." Maybe you try to move the relationship along too fast too soon? You need to take your time and get to know someone at friendship level first and build from there. Maybe you come off too needy? Making a man the center of your universe and not giving him space isn't the best thing to do. I would suggest you not date and figure yourself out before seeking any more romantic relationships. You could try consulting professional help to guide you further. Meanwhile, find hobbies, friends, focus on work, etc. and take a break from relationships for a while; at least 6 months-one year. I know Asian women here who are married to Belgian men, so I think this problem has nothing to do with Western/Belgian men and you being an Asian woman, so I wouldn't make that the main focus.

Relax and let love find you. Trying to force it to happen will not work.

Answer
CC_R Aug 14, 2017 10:03

I would suggest that rather than asking a bunch of strangers who only hear your side briefly that you go and see someone professional to help you make sense of these relationships and your feelings. Once you feel more valuable and are able to be more assertive to yourself you won't keep repeating this pattern, If we keep doing what we are doing we will keep getting what we get is a phrase that springs to mind. Relationships are hard work and require people to continually change and we need to adapt. Possibly the fact that in general people tend have an opinion that Asian women are possibly raised to think men are more important they also are surprised if you were raised to think you're equal. I'm sorry for generalising here but that is the way most Asian cultures seem to be focused and maybe the men you've met expect that and are shocked when it's not true. Don't be discouraged by these people learn what to avoid by considering how they were alike good luck .

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