Click. Pray. Love

Internet dating doesn’t have to be a digital jungle. The Bulletin’s love guru offers her top tips for finding, if not the one, then at least a good one

Here’s a puzzle for you. Which of these do you think was my worst ever internet date? Was it a) the man who launched into an anecdote about a trip to a Vegas strip club within seconds of meeting me; b) the man who asked me to interpret a complex point of EU law on our first date; or c) the man who liked to pose for photographs with his machine gun? Have a think, and we’ll come back to that later.

Some tipping point has been reached in our attitude towards internet dating; a point at which it’s more normal to have tried it, or thought about trying it, or to know people who have done it, than not. My most glamorous friend met her husband online. My best gay friend met his future husband online. Most of my single friends, both men and women, have done it. There’s no stigma, no sniggering: it is, quite simply, how we do things now. After all, online is where we work, we play, we stare open-mouthed at videos of sneezing pandas – why on earth wouldn’t it be where we look for love?

There’s something for everyone in the online dating universe. There are sites for every political, sexual or literary persuasion, sites for people who like uniforms, for survivalists, farmers, expats… even would-be vampires (thanks, Twilight) are catered for. What good fortune it is, actually, to be living at a time when our romantic choices aren’t limited by geography or work, or the narrow radius of our social lives. This is particularly true once you get past your mid-20s: when the rhythm of going out every night gives way to the demands of full-time employment, your world does contract. It’s not necessarily a bad thing: the relationships and activities that survive are usually the ones that matter, but your opportunities to meet new people are drastically reduced. Online dating opens your horizons up again in a way that no once-a-week hobby or sport can.

I am now off the market, which I know will come as a grave blow to those of you who like your women with a light coating of dog hair and an incipient double chin. But I have done my time in the online dating trenches and I have a few thoughts to share. Actually, I should probably share a few apologies to anyone unfortunate enough to have gone on a date with me, because I was a terrible online dater. Whatever advice I might give is likely to be a case of ‘do as I say, not as I do’. On that basis, let us proceed, with caution.

Be flexible

People react in different ways to the tyranny of infinite choice that online dating represents, but one of the more common responses is to establish a rigid set of criteria for their ‘ideal’ mate, from which they refuse to diverge. There’s a logic to it, absolutely: if you know what you like, you should do your best to find it rather than wasting time on prospects who simply don’t push your buttons. But consider: are exact height requirements, Pantone shade-matched hair colour or a two-year acceptable age range absolutely essential? Do you really believe only someone who precisely ticks these boxes can make you happy? Think about the successful relationships you see around you: would they have even got off the ground if the protagonists had applied such stringent criteria?
That said, I don’t mean you should say yes to absolutely anyone. Of course you’re allowed to – and should – have some deal-breakers. Should I have agreed to go on a date with a man nearly 20 years my senior without at least seeing a picture of him? Probably not. There was no attraction, we had nothing in common and it felt horribly like dating my dad. With hindsight, I think seeing a picture of your date is a minimum requirement. You can assume no one will choose to put a hideously unflattering picture of themselves on a dating site, so if the picture doesn’t do it for you, it’s unlikely sparks will fly when you see them in the flesh.

Be compassionate

It can be a brutal business, online dating. You like someone, you get in touch, they don’t reply. Or after a date you thought was successful, you never hear from the other person again, or worse, you get a lengthy, emailed post-mortem, anatomising all your faults (yes, people actually do this). You’ll have to steel yourself for a degree of rejection, and – which is almost worse – you’ll have to have to steel yourself to dish out some rejection in return.

My advice – and I’ll put my hands up and say that I NEVER managed to do this properly – is to be straight, but kind. If there’s no attraction and you don’t want to see someone again, best to say so. Vagueness, or hoping they will pick up on tepid visual or verbal cues, is a dangerous game, and simply disappearing altogether is cowardly. Practise at home if you have to (my best friend used to try and train me: “Can I see you again?” “Sure, gah, I mean NO”) or draw up a short, polite ‘thanks but no thanks’ email you can use when the need arises. Don’t get drawn into specifics – how can it possibly help anyone to know that the way they chew salad revolted you? – but do be clear.

Golden rules

Some advice from online dating survivors

CHOOSE YOUR SITE WISELY

Dating sites really aren’t all made equal. If the interface appeals, the likelihood is the people you meet through it are more likely to be your ‘type’

BEWARE TIMEWASTERS

If someone flirts endlessly online but refuses to meet in person, pull the plug. Some people just enjoy the chase – don’t get sucked in

INSIST ON A SHORT FIRST DATE

A quick coffee is sufficient to work out whether there’s enough of a spark to commit to a longer stretch together. If they won’t agree to it, just don’t go

BE SAFE

It’s obvious, but it bears repeating: when you meet someone for the first time, meet them in a public place and let a friend know where you are

DON’T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY OR YOU’LL GO INSANE

Try and have some fun on each date – choose a silly venue, ask a silly question, do whatever you can to keep the mood light: it’s dating, not brain surgery

Have fun

Taken in the right spirit, online dating can be life-affirming, fun and at times downright hilarious. Taken too seriously, it can feel lonely, brutal and ego-crushing. I’m not suggesting you should go into the process just to accumulate a good set of anecdotes: clearly most people who try internet dating are hoping, sincerely, to meet someone. But keep your expectations reasonable – you are unlikely to meet your soulmate on your first date – and try and enjoy even the less successful encounters. One of my regular online dating friends has a list of odd questions to ask dates (‘What are your favourite shoes?’ ‘Have you ever broken a bone?’); another picks off-the-wall venues (Korean karaoke, anyone?). The less pressure you put on a date to be The One, the more likely it is you’ll both have a good time.

When I was online dating, my preferred site used to email me a set of nine profile pictures every week with the tantalising message ‘one of these men scored you highly!’ The idea was I would click on the pictures to find out who my admirer was, but instead, I would forward the ‘cube of destiny’, as we nicknamed it, to my best friend as a sort of game.

“I bet it’s the one that looks like the Unabomber.”

“No! Look at bottom right. The one who looks like Silvio Berlusconi at the scene of a puppy murder.”

“Ok, yup. It’s definitely him.”

I found this process lightened the mood immeasurably. Moreover, I liked to imagine that somewhere in the world, two men were having a similar conversation over a cube with my profile picture in (“It had better not be scary spinster librarian-witch!”). Trust me – you will need to learn to laugh about this kind of thing to survive the online dating jungle.

And what about those three dates? Astonishingly, they were my three best internet dating experiences, and two out of three I went on to see again. It just goes to show: whether or not you find love, internet dating will surprise you, challenge your preconceptions, expand your horizons. You can’t say that for most things you can do from the comfort of your sofa.

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